


We Keep This Love In A Photograph

by beworthylove



Category: You Me and Him (2017)
Genre: Angst, CuddleCot, David Tennant - Freeform, Stillbirth, anxiety attack, grieving parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 12:51:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16995336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beworthylove/pseuds/beworthylove
Summary: Alex made her decision, John makes his.





	We Keep This Love In A Photograph

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a missing scene from You, Me and Him that I really wish had been been part of the film. Since then it's grown into it's own beast. I know this is an extremely sensitive topic, but it's a situation far too many parents find themselves in everyday. 
> 
> This story pick up directly at the 1:13:53 mark in the film.
> 
> **I know this film has a lot of issues. There are people who loved it and people who hated it. Some people identified with certain characters. I identified with this issue. Regardless of anything else, I saw my life reflected some way or another in this storyline. And like others, I wanted more.**

John stood from his seat in the waiting room chair. Olivia had left to sit with Alex only a few minutes ago and now his feet itched. He needed to walk.

Before he realized what he was doing, he was standing outside of Alex’s room. She slept with her back to the door, looking impossibly small under the hospital blankets, Olivia asleep in the chair next to the bed. As he stood there, she rolled onto her back. The sight of her still extended womb almost brought him to his knees. He turned quickly from the sight and made to run. Instead he found himself knocked onto is backside as he collided with another person.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” A tall bald man in nursing scrubs reached out his hand and pulled him to his feet.

“It’s fine, I’m fi- I just - I need -”

The man’s face was quickly losing focus. He couldn’t breathe. John tried to sidestep the man but found he had to lean on the wall for support. He’d been strong earlier. He’d been there for Olivia as she collapsed in his arms. But now, the painted birds on the wall seemed to fly as his eyes swam and he couldn’t find the strength to hold it in anymore. He felt the nurse’s arms around his shoulders as he was led down the hall away from Alex’s room. He lost track of time. One second he was being eased onto a couch and curling himself into a ball and the next he was being told to sit up.

 “Come on mate, nice deep breaths.”

 He put his head between his knees and tried to control his breathing. He couldn’t seem to get any air into his lungs.

 “In through your nose. Slow as you can. That’s it. Now out through your mouth. Easy now.”

 Slowly, the black spots in his vision began to fade. He could see the knees of the nurse, kneeling in front of him on the ground. He could feel the wet cloth on the back of his neck.

 “Sor- sorry.” He hiccuped.

“Don’t be. Just focus on your breathing okay?”

“My - my baby. My daughter -” His voice cracked and he hung his head lower, his cries taking over once again.

“I know. I know mate. Hey. Look at me. Deep breaths again. Don’t want you passing out on us.”

 John repeated the exercise again and slowly sat up in his seat. The nurse stood and filled a cup at the water cooler.

 “There you go. When you can, start taking some slow sips alright?”

“Yeah.”

The nurse took a seat in the chair next to him as he took a drink.

“My name’s Paul. What’s yours?”

“John. Helm.”

“I’m very sorry for your loss John.”

 John pressed his lips together and nodded in acknowledgement, not trusting himself to open his mouth.

 “You’re here with Alex and Olivia I presume?”

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “They wanted to be alone for… and then Alex... She didn’t want anyone in there with her.”

Paul nodded.

“Is there anything I can get you John? Anyone you want me to call? There’s a chaplain, he’s a great listener.”

“No. No I don’t want to talk to anyone. Thanks.”

“Okay.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to get back to my rounds,” he said apologetically,“but if you change your mind, just come by the nurses station yeah? Anything you need, just let me know.”

Paul stood up and pat his shoulder as he crossed to the door.

 “I need to say goodbye.” John muttered to the floor.

“I’m sorry?”

“Or hello. Or both.” He looked up, eyes clouded again with tears.

Paul hesitated.

“Please. I just need to see her. I need to see her face. I know Alex doesn’t, but I need to,” he pleaded.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

 

* * *

 

Paul understood the dynamic here was tricky. He knew John was the father, but he also knew that Alex hadn’t wanted him or Olivia to be there when she delivered, he heard her say so. He gave John one last look and made his way back to the maternity ward.

The only other patient currently on the floor was still in the very early stages of labor. He quickly checked her vitals and updated her chart and then made his way back to the nurses station. He looked around, trying to find the one person he knew could help him.

“Dr. Parks!”

“One second Paul. I have to finish filling out Ms. Jones’s report.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Has she changed her mind? There’s still time. I’ve got the CuddleCot running in the bereavement suite.”

“No. That’s, that’s the thing. She’s still resting. But…”

“But?”

“The father wants to see her.”

“You mean Mr. Helm?”

“Yes. He almost collapsed in the hallway outside her door. He won’t ask Ms. Jones. He doesn’t want to upset her.”

“I see.”

Doctor Parks looked deep in thought, but Paul couldn’t get the image of a panic stricken John out of his head.

“He’s a father. I know the mother’s decision, but-”

“Paul,” she tried to interrupt.

“He’s a father who’s lost his daughter too and he just wants a moment to be with her.”

“Paul!”

“Sorry.”

“Are you quite finished?”

Paul nodded, ready to be chastised.

“Mr. Helm has as much a right as Ms. Jones or Ms. Miller to say goodbye. They made their choice. This is his.”

Paul heaved a sigh of relief.

“Is Mrs. Gerard in 307 still at 3 centimeters?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Alright. You go to bereavement and make sure everything is in order. I’ll let Grace know you’re getting things started and I’ll meet her there with Mr. Helm in 20 minutes. Where is he now?”

“He’s in conference room 2. Thank you Dr. Parks.”

 

* * *

  

John sat with his head cradled in his hands. He had paced the room for a while after Nurse Paul left, but soon felt too exhausted to do even that. Less than 3 hours ago he was bursting with excitement, ready to meet the love of his life. He had never been so sure about anything in his life. He loved his child. He didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. He didn’t care that they would live next door. He didn’t even care that Alex was in love with Olivia and not him. He was going to be a dad. Even when Olivia had come out to tell him they had trouble finding the heartbeat, he was sure everything would be fine.

Then his bubble was burst. His dream shattered. His life had changed in the span of 15 seconds; in just 8 words. “There’s no heartbeat. The baby’s gone. She’s gone.” He pushed the heels of his hands into eyes as his stomach dropped again at the memory. Olivia’s voice rang in his head, “She doesn’t want us in there. She doesn’t want us to see that.”

He didn’t want to be angry with Alex. He knew she was trying to protect him from this but it’s not what he wanted. He wanted to know what his daughter looked like. He wanted to hold her hand and count her toes. He wanted proof that she was here. He could feel the panic rising in his chest again as the door opened. He jumped from his seat as Doctor Parks walked into the room.

“Dr. Parks. Listen. I know Alex said she didn’t want to see her, but I do. Please.”

“I understand Mr. Helm. I’m going to take you over in a few minutes.”

John sagged back down into the couch. “Thank you.”

“Mr. Helm, before we go in I want to explain what’s going to happen and answer any questions you may have. Okay?”

“Yeah, yes of course.”

She took a seat directly across from John and laid a thick folder on the coffee table between them.

“There’s a few pamphlets in here that you’re welcome to take home with you. They have all of the information I’m about to give you, as well as the names and numbers of services you might need later on.”

John eyed the folder then quickly nodded.

“When we’re done here, we’re going to go downstairs. There’s a suite set up for these kind of situations. It’s private and quiet. You can take all the time you need in there. We’ve had people stay for a few minutes, an hour or two, sometimes a few days. It’s your decision.”

“Is that where she is right now?”

“Yes. There’s a special cot.” She took a breath and made sure to maintain eye contact. “This cot helps keep her body cool. Right now, she still looks very much like a healthy newborn. She’s a bit smaller, being 34 weeks gestation, and her lips and fingernails are a bit darker than normal. This was… she passed 6 or so hours ago, so there’s no injuries to her skin. For the most part, she’ll just look like she’s sleeping.”

John’s breath hitched as he tried to nod his head in understanding.

“Can - can I hold her?”

“Yes. Take as much or as little time as you want. She’s wrapped in a blanket from the nursery but you can dress her, if you’d like, maybe an outfit you brought from home or something from the nursery?”

John thought of the small gift bags he’d hidden in the boot of his car last week. A surprise for Alex. He couldn’t bring it in with him earlier without ruining the surprise.

“Yeah,” his voice cracked, “it’s uh- it’s in the car park. Should I get it now? Do I have time?”

Doctor Parks nodded her head. “As soon as we’re done here.” She steeled herself. “Last thing, if you’d like, the maternity care specialist can come in and help you take an imprint of her hands or feet. And if you’re so inclined, the photographer can come and take her portrait for you.”

John sat back in his seat.

“Any or all or none. It’s up to you. If you’re more comfortable doing it, you’re more than welcome to take pictures on your phone yourself. I know it may seem odd, but many parents find comfort having these mementos later on. You think about it. Take your time, doesn’t matter how long. You set the pace here John.”

He didn’t know what to say. He raked his hands down his face and leaned his elbows on his knees.

“I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this is. If there’s anything I can do or if you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask.”

He slowly lifted his head. “Don’t tell Alex and Olivia.” He stood and took a step toward the door. “I mean, unless they want to… but don’t tell them I have. I don’t want them to hurt any more. They can do what they like, but I need to do this.” He took a deep breath and wiped his nose on his sleeve. “I need to get something out of my car. I’ll be quick.”

Doctor Parks stood as well, picking up the folder and moving to open the door for him.

“Of course. Would you like me to walk down to the exit with you?”

“No, no. Just… Where do I… Where is she?”

“Come back up to the nurses station. I’ll take you from there.” She opened the door and handed the folder to John. “Take these with you. There’s more in there for Ms. Jones for when she goes home. I’ll give her her own copies when she’s discharged as well.”

“Right. Be right back.”

**Author's Note:**

> http://babylifeline.org.uk/home/
> 
> https://closeronline.co.uk/real-life/news/cuddle-cots-easing-heartbreak-losing-baby-premature-stillbirth-miscarriage/


End file.
